Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The way it really happened..

So, this is the way we do things around here.
I happened to run into the library to pick up some books on hold.
I mozied on over to the children's section.
We needed to fill our book basket with some new and interesting reading material.
You know, the kind of books that stimulates a child's imagination.
The kind of books that allow them to travel to exotic places right in the comfort of their own home.
You know "living books". The kind of book that teach facts, that would otherwise be boring, in an animated, riveting new way!
Well, we found just that.

Now, to be clear, I didn't thumb through this book before I checked it out.
It happened to be one of the "display books".
You know, the ones that sit on the top of the book shelves as if to say "pick me".
And yes, I will admit, this is how I pick many of the children's books that we check out. Somehow, squatting down and thumbing through a bajillion books, just isn't my favorite thing to do.
The title got me.
Welcome with Love.
I bit.
Fastfoward to that evening.
S-girl always has me read a story, or two, or three, before bedtime.
So we snuggled into her bed and began to read said book.
We read about a family who is preparing to welcome a new baby into their home.
Jack, the little brother is telling us the story.
They are setting out tiny socks and clothes and really just "nesting".
"Ahhh, what a cute little story!" I think to myself.

Soon, the midwife arrives.
She proceeds to set out instruments that will be used during the babies birth.
Oh look, big sister is listening to little Jack's heartbeat with a doppler.
Could you get any more delightful than that?
At this point, I think,"Hmmm...this will be interesting. A home birth. I'll get to explain to S-girl that some people choose to have their babies at home. Yes, we are learning something new here."

Then mom, with labor not progressing, decides to go for a walk.
In a snowstorm.
I think, "Well, what woman in her right mind would do this?
Is she going to get lost in the woods?
Is this going to be THAT kind of story?
You know, where the baby is born in the woods and a friendly bear comes and snuggles mother and child until they are found?"

Oh, PHEW...she found her way home.
Now she's explaining to Jack that during labor she might make a lot of noise, because that's what it's like when babies are born.
Yelling and screaming will help her to feel much better. (She obviously hasn't heard of the GLORIOUS epidural. I kid, I kid)
I keep eyeing S-girl to see what she thinks of all this. At this point she is very quiet. As if she is pondering it all.

Ahem... the walk in the snow storm did the trick.
Labor is progressing.
Mom is yelling so loudly the whole town hears it.
I'm thinking, "Oh, I'm so pleased they are actually showing that walking during labor is O.K., and can be beneficial for the progression of labor!" (just the R.N. in me!)
Who KNOWS what S-girl was thinking!
I must say, at this point, I am beginning to wonder where all of this is leading. (I mean, I KNOW where it's leading...but you know what I'm sayin'.)

O.K..... I think I KNOW where this is leading.....

But, nothing could have prepared me for this turn of events!
How did she go from fully clothed, to fully un-clothed with a baby in between her legs all in one page!!!!???"
I continue to read calmly.
I am desperately trying to hold in my laughter.
For some reason, this picture is conjuring up the giggles in my mature, 36 year old self!
But we are at the point of no return.
S-girl has already seen the picture.
So we might as well chalk it up as a LEARNING EXPERIENCE!
After I read the page, S-girl looks at me, wide eyed and says,
I, of course, went on to explain the "3 hole scenerio"!
Ya know, the one where mommies have three holes.
One for peeing, one for pooing, and one for pushing babies out!!
Oh, you haven't heard that one before?
Well, yeah, I'm quick on my feet and thought it was a pretty sophisticated way of explaining it all to a 4 year old!
Her next question was, "Is that lady going to eat the baby??"
Looking at the picture, I can see where S-girl is coming from!
Her mouth is open, for goodness sake!
I quickly reply, "No honey, she's just catching the baby!" But I think to myself, "With the way this book is going, they'll probably eat the placenta!"

Moving on....O.K...I guess we are not moving on yet! Somebody, get that baby a blanket. We don't want hypothermia to set in! Especially with a snow storm raging outside!
Oh, and get mom a blanket too! Please.

And finally, they are all tucked in.
Now we get a lesson on all things placenta.
I must say we did enjoy the lesson, though!
And guess what?
It was a very HEALTHY placenta.
For which, we are all thankful!

And finally, Jack is so happy that everyone gets to sleep together that night.
And so am I. And so am I!!
I'm thinkin' little Jack may have a few nightmares after all his little eyes have witnessed.

So how was S-girl, after seeing such a fascinating portrayal of childbirth?
Just fine, thank you.
In fact, when D-man went in to say good night, I had him ask her what she thought of the story.
She didn't even remember I had read a story.
Out of sight, out of mind!
Or maybe that was just a "coping" mechanism.

Thank you Jenni Overend and Julie Vivas.
For stimulating my daughter's 4 year old imagination!
For teaching her something in a new and exciting way.
For taking her on an adventure, right there in the comfort of her own bedroom.
I don't think I could have described it any more vividly myself!

I am in no way against "natural" child birth!
I am in no way against "the family bed"! (except for at my house!)
I AM against "eating the placenta"! (not done in this book)
Lastly, I AM against "natural" childbirth when it comes to little ole' me!
Give me an incommodious hospital bed, a snap up gown, and an epidural in my back...and all is well in the world!

Thank you and Goodnight!

edited to add: I wrote this awhile ago, but just had to share it over at O My family book week. Visit her to see more wonderful book reviews.


Amanda said...

I just saw your thread on McMamma's community and I cannot stop laughing!! I too am extremely against natural childbirth when it comes to my own body and the whole "community bed" thing too, for that matter!! I must admit that I found the book borderline disturbing and would have a difficult time explaining that to my little one. Very cute post!!

Carrie said...

I am SO laughing out loud right now!!! What a funny post! *Surely* her forgetfulness is a coping mechanism! ;)

You have a beautiful blog! I look forward to following along and getting to know you and your family better!

Windthicket Fables said...

I couldn't agree more with everything you said in your disclaimer. Your post was hilarious. I think, htough, that I'll make sure I steer clear of that book for my tots. LOL. I am now following you- I HAVE to follow everything that makes me laugh this hard- and I voted for you on Top Mommy blogs- if you want, you can come vote for me too!

Eileen said...

I can only imagine the conversation I'd have to have with Maya after that book!

CalgaryDaddy said...

Or Crap, I just spit coffee all over my desk! Thanks for the laugh! This is too funny for words!


Snapshotsofhappiness said...

Wow! What a story! Don't think I'll be read that to Wes anytime soon. :-) Funny though very funny!

Shannon K. said...

I have never...and I do mean NEVER laughed so hard reading a post before. I literally have tears in my eyes. I think I might be laughing at this on and off through the night as I remember it.

Jeni G said...

As i read this, i kept thinking...this can't be real!! I need a copy of that book.

Kate said...


How I would have loved to have seen your face as you read this story!!

Thank you for the great laugh - it's a wonderful way to start my day.

Melis said...

Arizona Mamma pointed me in your direction and I want to thank you for causing me to piddle in my pants (through hole 1 of 3) as I read this. OMG. I've checked out MANY a (as in millions of) kids' books from the library without paging through them first. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWSERS, lesson learned. I'm going to carry this with me all day and no matter how hectic my life gets, I will be thankful that I did not have a woman standing with her face in my bum trying to catch my babies with her mouth like a baby bird waiting for food. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Thank you. I'll be back.

Sassy Salsa girl said...

I can't decide if I should laugh hysterically or be completely horrified. But hey at least your little girl will not be one of those girls who doesn't know there are three holes. I can practically garantee that at least one person who reads this post will have not known that, LOL!

roadrunner201 said...

Wow. I think I need to get a copy of this book. We fully intend for our kids to attend the births of any future siblings and I think this could be a good thing to prepare them. Probably what was intended when the book was written. I don't think it's there just for everyday, bedtime reading;-)

I almost died when I read what your little girl said!

Malika said...

OMGosh! This is easily the funniest post I have read.

Unknown said...

I actually would have loved to have given birth at home.. actually came pretty close with teh last one. Of course my local hospital sucks seriously. They didn't want to let me walk, I f course ignored them lol..

Julie said...

Oh my Gosh!! This is great:) I don't think I would have been able to handle as well as you did. I think I would have froze from shock:)

Sonora said...

That is soooo funny!!! I think my favorite part was when your daughter said The baby came out of her butt? So funny! This is quite the educational book.
I'm with you, give me an epidural and I'm a happy mamma.
I found your blog through Arizona Mamma. So glad I found you!

TheFitHousewife said...

Wow! I really don't have any words for this. That is too funny and kinda weird and, and....

I'm hopping over from Arizona Mamma's blog. I can't wait to read more of your blog. I'm your newest follower!

roadrunner201 said...

Yeah, no worries. I don't find it offensive at all - in RE to your RE to my comment earlier;-) I am actually quite surprised that it was just out on the library shelf in the kids section. Often times with things like that, (well, at least here in the small town I live in) they'll put them in the section that they are in reference to (i.e. the natural child birth section)

CM said...

Oh my goodness, that is just about one of the funniest posts I've ever read! I linked over from Arizona Momma's post. You are a great story teller yourself! I seriously laughed out loud!

Jamie H said...

That has got to be one of the funniest things I have read in a LONG time! I'm still laughing at the picture of mom pushing out that baby! Guess you learned to flip through books before you get them now!

Unknown said...

Okay ~ I think I just woke up my daughter I'm laughing SO HARD!!

OMG ~ I think I pee'd my pants, just a little.
The page with the placenta ~ over the top.

I found you from Arizona Mama, and I'm so glad she featured you and this post. Glad I found your blog, glad for the tears of laughter, and especially glad there was no placenta consumption!!

Fantastic post ~ and so well written. I love it!
I'm your newest fan ;)

Stacey said...

My sister sent me this link and I think I nearly died laughing!! So stinkin' funny!

Unknown said...

I just laughed so hard that my husband came to see what I was reading. I totally know that feeling of being somewhere in the middle of a library book, and thinking, O Crap, what did I get myself into?! Though yours tops any experience I've had!

AllisonO said...

O my GOSH! That is just too funny. When I read "With the way this book is going, they'll probably eat the placenta!" I laughed so hard that DanO had to ask me what happened.

To be fair, I'm all for natural birth (even for lil 'ole me) but I still don't think I'd read this book to my kiddos. At least not yet. Just sayin'.

And I think your three hole explanation was GENIUS. Thinking on your feet to answer questions like that is one of the things that intimidates me most about this motherhood thing.

I'm so glad you linked to this. Pretty much made my day.

Now if you'll excuse me for writing the most commentyest comment of all time, I'll got get my own blog now.

Anonymous said...

I clicked over from O My Family and I'm so glad I did. I laughed. That is an understatement. I was not at all prepared to see that baby coming like that. Classic.

Anonymous said...

I all alone and laughing out loud. Not the lol way, but seriously, laughing out loud! That is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
And I, too am against eating the placenta! Just for the record!

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

OH my gosh I am laughing so hard I'm crying right now... and really, SO glad I didn't get that book for my kids... I'm not quite as quick on my feet about answering questions... and somehow I don't think "Go ask your dad" would have worked in this instance! hahaha Thanks for the afternoon giggle!

j said...

as a fellow teacher i have so been there with grabbing the "interesting looking book" and ending up in crazy situations. thanks for the pics i got a big belly laugh.

Dana said...

Thank you for a great laugh tonight! I don't think I could have gotten through the whole book. Well done!!

Verena said...

Hi Julie,
This is my first visit.
Great post! I am still laughing!!!
Have a great week.

Natalie said...

Hello! Just found you by suggestion from Sonora at twinfinity.org. I love this post! It's great!! I'm glad you found the book and that I didn't ;)

La Familia Garcia said...


Megan said...

Man, reading time sure is interesting at your house!

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